Do Not Read This Entry

Too late.

The Yeti Will Find You

Caution: Yetis are no longer funny.

I have heard way to many yeti jokes lately and it's been perturbing me hardcore. Yetis are not funny. They have none of the qualities or symptoms of funny, save the goofy name. But let's toss the name. Let's go back to calling them what they really are: giant fur-coated man-eating mountain-dwelling snow beasts...or abominable snowpeople for short.

Who woke up one day and said, "Yup, I think I will openly mock a giant people-eater from the mountains and it will be HI-LARIOUS." Do you know who? No, you don't...and neither do I CUZ THEY'RE DEAD NOW. Guess how they died? Oh, I don't know RIPPED TO SHREDS BY A VERY SERIOUS YETI.

OK, folks, on a more serious note, STOP making yeti jokes. The yeti deserves everyone's respect because they kill people and other larger creatures. It hurts their feelings and it's inappropriate...not to mention it puts them in a frenzied man-killing rage.

But then you say, "But they're 'abominable,' right? Doesn't that mean they're fair game?" Well, let's see. When was the last time you were called "abominable?" It's not like that word is commonly used to describe innocuous and humor-inducing things! You don't hear about an abominable mail-man or an abominable fire-man or an abominable priest! (insert anti-Catholic joke here IF YOU'RE A DICK)

So I would appreciate not hearing any more of this "Why did the yeti cross the road" B.S. because it's not cool. You just don't provoke creatures higher up on the food chain...it's not scientifically savvy and you look like a jerk.

That having been said...

I say: "Why did the yeti cross the road?"

You say: "Uh, I dunno."

I say: "To eat your face off for thinking this would be funny just cuz it's a yeti!"

Work

In an effort to legitimize the deepest, darkest secrets of man, I am going to divulge privileged information about what a human being really thinks about in his or her place of business. Here are a few short examples of those thoughts.

"Work sucks."

"Sweet death, come swiftly."

"She has a nice ass...but I shouldn't think that about my boss."

"My paper clip bin works harder than that guy."

"Who is that guy?"

"If the copier runs out of toner one more time, I'm leaving forever."

"I wonder what happens to all those pens she lost."

"Is eight hours of work really necessary for the survival of the species?"

"Is it lunch yet?"

"I wonder if he really does anything at all."

"Why do kleenex boxes have to be square?"

"How soon can I retire?"

This has been a short list of the deepest, darkest thoughts of your co-workers. If any of these surprise you, it is probably because you haven't thought those things. That's why. For more samples, run out and purchase my book, "The Human Brain and Why It's Stupid."

Thank you.